When Joy and Grief Coexist in Pregnancy or Postpartum

The journey into parenthood is supposed to be one of pure, unfiltered joy. At least, that’s the story we’re often told. We see it in movies, on social media, and in the well-meaning comments from friends and family. But for many, the reality of pregnancy and the postpartum period is far more complex. It’s a time when profound joy can be intertwined with deep sadness, and excitement can live right alongside anxiety and grief.

If you’ve ever felt a pang of sadness for your old life while rocking your much-wanted baby, or experienced a wave of anxiety in the middle of a joyful pregnancy moment, you might have felt a subsequent rush of guilt or shame. You might have wondered, “What’s wrong with me? I should just be happy.” The truth is, nothing is wrong with you. You are simply experiencing ambivalence—the state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something. In the context of parenthood, this emotional duality is not only normal; it’s practically universal.

Holding space for both joy and grief is one of the most challenging and least-discussed aspects of becoming a parent. This experience of holding mixed emotions can feel isolating, but it is a core part of this profound life transition. Understanding why these feelings coexist and learning how to approach them without shame is a critical step toward a more compassionate and authentic parenting journey.

What is Ambivalence and Why Is It So Common in Parenthood?

Ambivalence is the experience of having simultaneous, conflicting feelings about a person, object, or situation. It’s the “yes, but…” or the “I love this, and I hate this” feeling that can be so confusing. During the perinatal period, ambivalence is a natural response to a monumental life change that is, by its very nature, filled with duality. You are gaining something incredible—a child, a new identity, a new kind of love—but you are also losing something significant—your old life, your freedom, your former self.

This isn’t a simple equation where joy cancels out grief. Instead, these emotions can exist in the very same moment, creating a rich and sometimes turbulent inner world.

The Sources of Perinatal Ambivalence

Several factors contribute to the mixed emotions so many new parents experience:

• Identity Shift: You are undergoing a massive identity transformation known as matrescence or patrescence. While you are excited to become a parent, you are also grieving the person you were before. You can be thrilled about your new role and simultaneously miss the simplicity and freedom of your past life.
• The Physical Reality: Pregnancy and postpartum recovery are physically demanding. You might feel deep gratitude for your body’s ability to grow and birth a child, while also feeling frustrated, in pain, or disconnected from a body that no longer feels like your own.
• Unrealistic Expectations: Society bombards parents with images of blissful, effortless parenthood. When your reality includes exhaustion, boredom, and stress, the gap between expectation and reality can create feelings of disappointment and guilt, even while you love your child fiercely.
• Loss of Freedom and Spontaneity: The practical realities of caring for a baby mean the loss of spontaneous evenings out, lazy weekend mornings, and uninterrupted time for yourself. You can adore spending time with your baby and still mourn the loss of that unstructured freedom.
• Challenging Pregnancies or Births: If your pregnancy was difficult, your birth was traumatic, or your baby had a NICU stay, your experience is layered with complexity. You can feel immense relief and joy that your baby is here, while also processing fear, trauma, and grief for the experience you wish you’d had.
• Relationship Changes: Your relationship with your partner is fundamentally altered. While building a family together can be a source of profound connection, the stress, sleep deprivation, and logistical demands can also create distance and conflict.

Acknowledging that these sources of ambivalence are real and valid is the first step toward shame reduction. Your mixed emotions are not a reflection of your love for your child; they are a reflection of the complexity of the situation.

The Weight of Shame: Why We Hide Our Mixed Emotions

When you experience feelings that don’t align with the “perfect parent” narrative, your first instinct might be to hide them. This is where shame comes in. Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. It thrives in secrecy, silence, and judgment.

In the perinatal period, shame often sounds like:

• “If I really loved my baby, I wouldn’t miss my old life.”
• “Other parents seem to be handling this so much better than I am.”
• “I feel so touched-out and overwhelmed. I must be a bad mother/father.”
• “I’m feeling sad, but I should be grateful. I have no right to complain.”

This internal monologue is fueled by a cultural unwillingness to talk about the hard parts of parenthood. When we only share the highlight reel, we create an environment where everyone else feels alone in their struggles. The pressure to feel pure, unadulterated joy is immense, and when we inevitably fall short of that impossible standard, we blame ourselves.

Shame is a powerful inhibitor. It prevents us from reaching out for help, from being honest with our partners and friends, and from offering ourselves the compassion we so desperately need. It isolates us at the very moment we need connection the most. The antidote to shame is empathy, and empathy can only be built through vulnerability and shared experience.

Learning to Hold Both: Practical Steps for Shame Reduction

If ambivalence is the experience, and shame is the painful reaction to it, then the work is to learn how to hold your mixed emotions with compassion rather than judgment. This is a practice, not a perfect science. It’s about building your capacity to sit with discomfort and allow your full, authentic experience to exist.

1. Name It to Tame It

The simple act of labeling your feelings can be incredibly powerful. Instead of being swept away by a confusing swirl of emotion, you can pause and identify the different threads.

Try saying to yourself, “Right now, I am feeling immense love for my sleeping baby. I am also feeling sad that I can’t just get up and go for a run like I used to. Both of these feelings are real.”

This practice, drawn from mindfulness, creates a small bit of space between you and your emotions. You are not your feelings; you are the one experiencing them. Naming them without judgment reduces their power and affirms that it’s okay for them to coexist.

2. Practice “Both/And” Thinking

Our brains often default to “either/or” thinking. “I am either a good parent who is always happy, or I am a bad parent who is struggling.” Shame thrives in this black-and-white framework. The practice of “both/and” thinking is a powerful tool for embracing complexity.

Reframe your self-talk:

• Instead of: “I love my baby, but I hate being so tired.”
• Try: “I love my baby, and I hate being so tired.”
• Instead of: “I’m so happy to be a mom, but I miss my career.”
• Try: “I’m so happy to be a mom, and I miss my career.”

This subtle shift in language is profound. The word “but” negates what came before it, implying a conflict that needs to be resolved. The word “and” allows both truths to exist simultaneously, without invalidating either one. This is the essence of holding ambivalence.

3. Cultivate Self-Compassion

Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness, care, and concern you would show to a good friend. It has three core components:

• Mindfulness: Acknowledging your feelings without suppression or exaggeration.
• Common Humanity: Recognizing that suffering and imperfection are part of the shared human experience. You are not alone in these feelings.
• Self-Kindness: Actively comforting and soothing yourself in moments of struggle.

When you feel a wave of guilt over your mixed emotions, try placing a hand on your heart and saying something kind to yourself. For example: “This is really hard right now. It makes sense that I’m feeling this way. So many parents go through this. May I be kind to myself in this moment.” This practice can help regulate your nervous system and counter the harsh voice of your inner critic.

4. Find Your People and Share Your Story

Shame cannot survive when it is spoken in a space of empathy. One of the most important things you can do is find other parents and be honest about your experience. This could be in a new parent support group, a text chain with trusted friends, or with a therapist.

When you bravely share, “Today was so hard; I felt so bored and lonely, and then I felt guilty for feeling that way,” you will likely be met with a chorus of “Me too.” That moment of connection is the antidote to shame. It normalizes your experience and reminds you that you are part of a community. By sharing your story, you not only heal yourself, but you also create a safe space for others to do the same.

5. Seek Professional Support

Sometimes, the weight of these mixed emotions is too heavy to carry alone, or it tips into something more serious like a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder (PMAD). A therapist specializing in perinatal mental health can provide a safe, non-judgmental container to explore your ambivalence.

Therapy is not about getting rid of the “bad” feelings. It’s about increasing your capacity to hold all of your feelings with curiosity and compassion. A therapist can help you:

• Untangle the roots of your ambivalence and shame.
• Process grief for the life you had before.
• Heal from any traumatic aspects of your pregnancy or birth experience.
• Develop practical coping strategies for anxiety and overwhelm.

Therapeutic modalities like ACT (Acceptance & Commitment Therapy) are specifically designed to help you accept difficult feelings and commit to living a life aligned with your values. Somatic Therapy can help you process how these complex emotions live in your body, while approaches that focus on intergenerational healing can help you understand how your own upbringing influences your current experience.

Embracing the Messy, Beautiful Truth

Parenthood is not a Hallmark card. It is a messy, beautiful, complicated, and deeply human experience. It is about learning to live with your heart wide open—open to a depth of love you never knew was possible, and also open to the pain, grief, and uncertainty that come with it.

Your mixed emotions are not a sign of failure. They are a sign that you are engaged in one of the most profound and transformative tasks of a human life. The joy is real. The grief is also real. The love is real. The frustration is also real. It can all be true at once.

By letting go of the expectation of perfection and embracing the “both/and” reality of your experience, you give yourself the greatest gift: permission to be human. And in doing so, you model a powerful lesson for your child—that a full life is not one devoid of difficult feelings, but one where all feelings are welcome.

If you are struggling to hold the joy and grief of your parenting journey, you don’t have to do it alone. Schedule a free consultation to learn how therapy can support you in navigating the beautiful complexity of becoming a parent.