You’re Not Just Becoming a Parent—You’re Becoming Someone New

The moment you become a parent, the world shifts on its axis. A new person has entered your life, and with their arrival, everything changes. You are now a mother, a father, a caregiver. This new role is profound and powerful, but it’s not just a hat you put on. It’s a fundamental alteration of who you are. You are not simply your old self, plus a baby. You are becoming someone entirely new.

This transformation is one of the most significant and often overlooked aspects of the journey into parenthood. We talk endlessly about preparing for the baby—the right crib, the best feeding method, the sleep schedules. Yet, we rarely discuss the psychological and emotional metamorphosis of the parents themselves. This process, known as “matrescence” for mothers and “patrescence” for fathers, is a developmental period as real and disruptive as adolescence. It involves deep identity shifts, a recalibration of your values, and often, a sense of grief for the person you were before.

If you feel like you don’t recognize yourself anymore, if you feel a strange mix of profound love for your child and a wistful sadness for your past life, you are not failing or ungrateful. You are experiencing the normal, seismic shift of becoming a parent. Understanding this process is key to navigating it with grace, self-compassion, and a sense of wonder at the person you are becoming.

Matrescence and Patrescence: The Birth of a Parent

The term “matrescence” was first coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael in the 1970s and later expanded upon by reproductive psychiatrist Dr. Alexandra Sacks. It describes the physical, psychological, and emotional transition a person goes through when they become a mother. “Patrescence” is the parallel term for the paternal experience. These concepts frame the transition to parenthood not as a singular event, but as a gradual developmental process.

Think of it like adolescence. During our teen years, hormones surge, our bodies change, our brains are rewired, and we grapple with new social roles and questions about who we are. It’s an awkward, confusing, and emotionally intense time. Matrescence and patrescence are similar. They involve:

• Hormonal and Brain Changes: The biological shifts of pregnancy and postpartum dramatically impact mood and cognition, rewiring the parental brain to be more attuned to a baby’s needs.
• Body Image Shifts: The physical changes of pregnancy, birth, and postpartum can lead to a complex relationship with one’s own body, which may now feel foreign.
• Social and Relational Reorganization: Your relationship with your partner, friends, and family all change. You move from being a child, a friend, or a partner to being a parent first.
• Identity Re-evaluation: The core of the experience is asking, “Who am I now?”

Recognizing parenthood as a formal developmental stage is revolutionary. It gives us a name for this disorienting experience and normalizes the feelings of being unsettled and in-flux. You aren’t just “adjusting” to a new baby; you are actively growing and changing on a fundamental level. This is not a sign of instability; it is the very definition of growth.

The Push and Pull: Ambivalence as a Hallmark of Transition

A central, and often deeply unsettling, part of this identity shift is ambivalence. It’s the capacity to hold two opposing feelings at the same time. You can feel an all-consuming love for your child in one moment, and in the next, feel utterly trapped, bored, or resentful. You can be grateful for your new life while simultaneously mourning your old one.

This push-and-pull is not a sign of your inadequacy. It is the emotional signature of any major life change. Think about other big transitions: starting college, getting married, moving to a new city. These events are filled with both excitement for the new and sadness for what’s left behind. Parenthood is the ultimate example of this.

Feeling this ambivalence can trigger immense guilt. You might think, “I love my baby so much, why do I miss my old, carefree life?” or “I should be feeling nothing but joy, but I feel so sad.” This shame comes from the cultural myth that parenthood should be a state of constant bliss. By recognizing that ambivalence is a normal, healthy part of the matrescent journey, you can begin to release that guilt. It’s okay to have mixed feelings. It simply means you are navigating a complex and profound change.

Grieving Your Former Self: A Necessary Part of Becoming

Perhaps the most poignant part of the identity shift into parenthood is the grief for your old self. This is not about regretting your child; it’s about acknowledging a legitimate loss. The person you were before becoming a parent—with their specific freedoms, priorities, and sense of self—is gone. A new person is emerging, but it’s essential to make space to mourn the one you left behind.

What Are You Grieving?

This grief can manifest in many ways. You might mourn the loss of:

• Spontaneity and Freedom: The ability to leave the house without a military-style operation, to go see a movie on a whim, or to travel without a mountain of gear.
• Uninterrupted Time: The luxury of a full night’s sleep, a quiet hour to read a book, a long, uninterrupted conversation with your partner, or even just going to the bathroom alone.
• Your Pre-Parent Body: You may grieve the body that wasn’t marked by pregnancy, birth, or the physical demands of carrying a child.
• Your Professional Identity: Your relationship with your career can change dramatically. You may have less time and energy to devote to it, or your priorities may shift away from professional ambition.
• Your Social Life: Friendships can become strained as your availability and interests change. You may feel disconnected from child-free friends who don’t understand your new reality.
• A Sense of Control: Before kids, you likely had more control over your time, your environment, and your future. A baby introduces a beautiful but chaotic element of unpredictability.

Allowing yourself to feel this grief is a crucial step in integrating your new identity. When we try to suppress these feelings or pretend they don’t exist, they often fester, leading to resentment or depression. Acknowledging the loss doesn’t diminish your love for your child. It honors the full scope of your human experience.

How to Process the Grief

Processing grief is not about “getting over it.” It’s about learning to carry it. Here are some ways to honor this part of your journey:

• Name It: Simply saying to yourself or a trusted friend, “I’m grieving the person I used to be,” can be incredibly powerful. It validates your feelings and reduces their power.
• Journal: Write down what you miss. Be specific and honest. You don’t have to show it to anyone. The act of writing is for you.
• Create Small Rituals: Find small ways to connect with your old self. Is there a hobby you loved? Can you carve out 30 minutes to do it? Did you love a certain kind of music? Put it on while you’re making dinner.
• Talk About It: Share your feelings with your partner or a close friend. If they are also a parent, they will likely understand completely. Sharing this experience can strengthen your bond.

This grief is a sign that your old life had value. It is something to be honored, not ashamed of.

Recalibrating Your World: Relationships, Values, and Priorities

The identity shift of parenthood extends far beyond your internal world. It reshapes your relationships and forces a re-evaluation of what truly matters to you.

Your Partnership

The transition to parenthood is one of the most challenging periods for a romantic relationship. You and your partner are both undergoing your own identity shifts while navigating sleep deprivation and the immense stress of caring for a newborn. The couple you were before the baby is now a family unit. This requires a new way of relating.

Common challenges include:

• Loss of Connection: With all focus on the baby, it’s easy to lose the intimate, romantic connection you once shared.
• “Manager” Mode: Your communication can devolve into logistics—who’s on diaper duty, when the baby last ate, who’s handling the next night waking.
• Resentment: Imbalances in workload, both seen and unseen, can quickly lead to resentment.

Navigating this requires intentional effort. It means scheduling time to connect, even if it’s just 15 minutes of screen-free conversation after the baby is asleep. It means giving each other grace and assuming the best intentions. It also means seeking support when needed. Therapy can provide a space for couples to reconnect, communicate more effectively, and navigate this new chapter as a team.

Your Friendships and Family

Your social circle also transforms. Some friendships may deepen, particularly with other parents who are in the trenches with you. Other friendships may fade, not out of malice, but because your lives are on different tracks. This can be a painful and lonely experience.

Simultaneously, your relationship with your own parents shifts. You now see them through the lens of your own parenting experience, which can bring up new appreciation or new frustrations. This can be a time of immense intergenerational healing, but it can also surface old wounds.

A New Sense of Purpose

While the losses are real, the identity shift also brings profound gains. Many parents report a new and powerful sense of purpose. The small, everyday worries that used to consume you can fade into the background. You may feel a deeper connection to the world, to the future, and to humanity itself.

Your values may become crystal clear. Suddenly, time feels more precious. You may become a fierce advocate for your child and, by extension, for all children. This new identity, while challenging to step into, can ultimately feel more authentic and meaningful than the one you left behind.

Finding Your Footing: Support for Your Becoming

Navigating matrescence and patrescence is not something you should have to do alone. This is a journey that is made easier and richer with the right kind of support.

The Importance of Community

Finding other new parents is one of the most powerful things you can do. Being in a room (virtual or in-person) with people who are also exhausted, covered in spit-up, and wrestling with these same feelings is incredibly validating. It breaks the isolation and normalizes the experience. You realize you are not alone, and your feelings are not strange or wrong.

The Role of Professional Support

Sometimes, the identity shifts of parenthood can feel too overwhelming to manage on your own. If you are struggling with persistent sadness, anxiety, or a feeling of being completely lost, therapy can be an invaluable resource. A therapist who specializes in perinatal mental health can help you:

• Normalize Your Experience: A therapist can provide education on matrescence and reassure you that what you’re feeling is a normal part of this transition.
• Process Grief and Ambivalence: Therapy offers a safe, non-judgmental space to talk through the complex and often contradictory feelings of parenthood.
• Develop Coping Tools: A therapist can teach you practical skills for managing anxiety, regulating your nervous system, and communicating your needs. Modalities like Somatic Therapy, ACT, and Mindfulness-Based Interventions can be particularly helpful.
• Strengthen Your Relationships: Therapy can help you and your partner navigate this transition together and improve your connection. For challenges related to the parent-child bond, approaches like Child-Parent Psychotherapy (CPP) can foster a secure and joyful attachment.

Reaching out for help is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of strength and a commitment to your own well-being and the health of your family.

Embracing the New You

The person you were before you became a parent was wonderful. The person you are becoming is also wonderful. They are just different. The process of moving from one to the other is a journey of letting go, of growing, and of integrating all the parts of yourself—the joyful and the grieving, the confident and the uncertain.

Be patient with yourself. This transformation doesn’t happen overnight. It unfolds over months and years. There will be days when you feel confident and capable, and days when you feel like you have no idea what you’re doing. All of it is part of the process.

You are not just raising a child; you are raising yourself into a new identity. Welcome this new person with curiosity and compassion. They are forged in love, resilience, and profound change. And they are exactly who your child needs you to be.

If you are finding this transition challenging, please know that support is available. Schedule a free consultation to explore how we can help you navigate your journey of becoming.